Birth Stories...

Haven't blogged in a while, but this has been on my heart for sometime, so I guess it's time to let it out.

It's crazy how we make plans and sometimes, God laughs. People attempt to get pregnant, thinking it will happen right away, and it doesn't. Then when they get pregnant, they think it will be a full term delivery, or a vaginal birth, and then something changes. Change is constant and that's the only thing we can accept.

Never in my right mind would I have thought that I would've delivered a baby any earlier than 37 weeks. I know my pregnancy wasn't the easiest, but I surely didn't think it would end so soon. In retrospect, I felt a little robbed of fully enjoying my last trimester. But because I had no control over what happened to me, my birth story for Noah is MY birth story.

I've had a few friends that have gotten pregnant over the years, and although they mean no harm, some of their comments may have stung a little. Like a friend of mine who was talking to me about her last trimester and then said "...well...you know how it is..." and I had to be honest and say "No...no I don't". Or things like "I'm sure you experienced that..." and my reply was "No, I only went to 28 weeks, I don't know what Braxton Hicks contractions feel like...". *sigh*. It's not their fault. They see my son, and he looks like any other two year old (...maybe a little on the short side, but what did you expect?!). He's walking, he's talking, he's healthy, and so very happy. But before he was able to be all of these things, he was the little 2lb 3oz baby that was cut from me on a day that was supposed to be just like any other check up.

After listening to such wonderful birth stories, I can't help but be happy for my friends. My story is just...different. I didn't fall in love with my son right away. I just...didn't! All of my emotions shut down as soon as I knew I had to have an emergency C-section. I went numb without even knowing it. When I saw him for the first time, I saw the resemblance he had to his father, and knew he was mine. But still then, with all of the wires, all of the tubes, I didn't get to hold him like all happy parents get to do right away after their baby is delivered. I went home from the hospital with the feeling of having a whole in my heart. Not being able to feel anything. People say that there is a pain that comes with having a C-section, and I honestly never felt it. I didn't feel anything. I only did what I knew I had control over...praying, and doing whatever it is the doctors asked of me. Give me a direction, and I will run with it. I don't think it was until he gave me his first smile, on the anniversary of my aunt's death (October 30th) that I finally saw him...like REALLY saw my baby. Most of you won't understand. But it just took me longer to FULLY feel that Mommy love for her baby.

I didn't know how to be a mom, and I definitely wasn't prepared to be thrown into this whirlwind. I'm thankful for my family because they never pushed me to feel more than I was.

It took a while for me to fall in love with Noah, and that's the truth. A friend of mine said the other day how she is so happy to be a mom. She just had her baby. Was I happy to be a mom when Noah was born? Sure! Did I feel like I was? No. I felt more like a robot.

I'm sure people never think of how what they say may impact others, and the fact of the matter is that people don't always need to. I mean, we have to let go sometime, right? Pitty parties aren't fun, and they definitely aren't productive. I'm out of that stage for sure. Yesterday, as I was falling asleep, I asked myself, if I hadn't been married...where would I be now? And  all I could think of is that I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. I wouldn't have this amazing kid who runs around the house and tells me "Come on! Come on Mommy!". I wouldn't be in a marriage with my best friend...my world would just be different. I'm grateful for the place i'm in now.

No one's birth story will be the same. No one's pregnancy will be the same, but once you go through an experience like I and many other women have gone through, it makes you more humble, and more aware of other's feelings. The best part about my birth story is that my son is here. No matter what we went through, I get to wake up to his loud "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!" cry every morning. I'm grateful for that. In all obstacles, you will find your strength. Whatever obstacle you've been through, just know that God had his reasons. It wasn't anything you did or anything you didn't do. Your story is just...different from the others! It will give you strength, and hopefully be able to minister to other women in the same predicament.

I pray that my next pregnancy isn't anything like my first. I know sometimes you have to be specific, so here goes mine!

- I want a girl (but i'll take what you give me)
- I want to go full term! (37 weeks or more)
- I want a healthy baby
- I don't want to be spitting in a bottle at all!
- I don't want swollen feet
- I want to enjoy my pregnancy
- I want a full term pregnancy
- I want a full term pregnancy
- I'll go 42 weeks if I have to
- I want a vaginal birth
- I want delayed cord clamping
- I want my baby to cry when they come out
- I want to hold my baby right away
- I want to feel contractions
- I want to leave the hospital with my baby
- I want to fall in love with them...right away this time
- I don't want to fear my second pregnancy
- I want to be happy throughout my pregnancy
- I want minimal back pain

This is not in any specific order, but it's truly what I want. I just want a happy, healthy, FULL, natural, fearless, doubtless, leaving hospital with my new baby kind of next pregnancy ;-).

First trip jitters...

So... A few months ago, I was exhausted. Stuck in a daily routine and feeling like I needed to get away. I felt like Carl and I barely got to see each other, and I really wanted for us to reconnect on that level again. We needed a vacation! Time for is to just be together, away from everyone. Just us. So I looked up cruised and we decided on a 7 day cruise. We booked it ASAP, and then waited for it to come. How great it was going to be to spend some time with my husband! No responsibilities, and a bunch of fun!

...and then the month of September came and I realized that us being alone would mean that we would be leaving Noah behind. Did I forget this part? Or is it that when I was thinking of a vacation, I just wanted a getaway from everyone and everything?

Needless to say this month has been hard. I've never been away from him for more than a few hours, and to think of being away for 7 days is hard. I know it's for a good cause. We need to be a couple too. I'm not against the vacation, I just wonder why I didn't choose 5 days or something. Who would've ever thought I was going to be one of those parents... Getting sad about leaving her baby?! Well, I think I did. At least for the first trip. 

I know he will be in great care. I know he will be fine. And most of all, I know I want to be a wife for a little bit that can just focus on me and my hubby. It's just hard. I'm excited about the trip though. It's going to be good to not sleep in our house for a few days. 

Please just pray for us. Carl is just about as emotional. I know we will get through it... Right?!

We've made it to year #2!!!

Ha! We did it! Noah is 2, and that means we've been parents for 2 years! I'm sure we've learned plenty of life lessons since he has been in our lives, but I think the biggest ones are how you have to remember that children are sponges and we are their biggest teachers. We need to act the way we would want them to act. Secondly, that we need to balance life between being a couple and being a family. I know for me, I will give my child everything and take care of myself after, but that isn't good because it means I am neglecting myself, which in turn doesn't help my child... On the other hand, I have a husband who wants to take Noah everywhere we go, whether its grocery shopping, out to eat, etc. which leaves limited time for US as a couple. I don't think it really bothered us until I realized that our conversations were pretty much all about Noah and that when we got into arguments, it took us time to come back together as a unit. If you're not careful, kids will take over your life. You still have to feed your relationship because when these kids leave for college, you still have to live the rest of your life with that person! Lol

Besides learning these lessons, it's been a great year! After PE tubes surgery, Noah has just blossomed into a very talkative child. What in the heck was I worried about?! Oh and he got dismissed from Speech Therapy too! Funny that now his SLP has become a friend. I'm grateful for all those individuals God has brought into my life this year. He is learning so much, such a comedian, and if we get lucky, he gives us some cuddles! Lol

Gotta love this kid. Her are a few pics of his birthday party!

 

Something that has been hard...

For the past couple of days, for some reason, I've been talking baby...probably because my BFF Cherlin is back from Africa and this has been a hot topic. Not that we are planning on having another baby this year, but i'm just thinking about future pregnancies. I find myself rebuking things so many times a day...like when the person Cherlin went to go get her dress from yesterday said that her neighbor has 2 kids and they were both preemies, and that it was due to pre-eclampsia...or when yesterday I was at work and the ladies in the front office were talking about the fact that their babies came early...

I am just trying to keep myself together. I feel like we need to be praying in advance for this pregnancy that isn't even a thought in our imagination right now. I guess i'm just nervous! I always pray to God that this was a one time experience, not only for me, but for my family. I want to have more children, but don't want to feel as if every time they come, they come before being full term.

I'm praying for a FULL, HAPPY, HEALTHY pregnancy when God deems it time. I pray that I get to birth this child the natural way, and that I get to feel contractions, get to push...and that my husband experiences cutting an umbilical cord.

THAT is my heart's desire.

The enemy is hard at work, but my God is bigger. Even though I may have these thoughts, I cannot let them affect my faith. I know how faithful God is. I just hope He hears this prayer as well!

Questioning my abilities...

When I got pregnant, I signed up in every website to get as much information as I could about what I should expect throughout the pregnancy, but after a few weeks of that and being constantly sick, it became very overwhelming. I logged off all the websites, deleted the apps on my phone, and put all the books away.

Then... I had Noah and a girl that had a preemie sent me a book that really helped me with the lingo and what to expect. But it seems that I've just been turned off to any information from that point.

Somedays, I feel my parenting skills are too lax for the simple fact that I don't get on Noah about everything. I know he had a rough start on life, and some days I use this as my reasoning, and other days, I try to overcompensate in the areas he is delayed in...

Probably wondering where these feelings are coming from? I just saw a video a friend of mine posted of her kid, who just recently turned 1 and is able to identify all body parts 😔. It just seemed so easy for him, and here I am struggling to get Noah to choose a car in a field of two?! I felt like a failure. I'm so busy with so many other things... I'm tired... Maybe i don't spend enough time on teaching him things?!

I know he had a mild hearing loss and just got tubes put in last week and all of that probably are all reasons as to why he is delayed in expressive language, but some days, the feeling of failure is what I feel. We didn't have a good day today. He cried a lot, threw a lot of tantrums, and I didn't know what to do. Then when I put him to bed, I go on FB and see this?! It really just made my day worse. What am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard?! I'm writing this with eyes filled with tears because I don't have the answer to these questions. I wish it were easier. Why do I have to go through this? Why was my baby born early? What did I do wrong? How many tests do I have to go through? What did I do wrong, Lord?!....

I'm not trying to sound selfish or ungrateful. I have a child that is healthy for the most part and is a handsome and loving child. He meets his milestones on his own time, but this far he's met most of them. He brings great joy to my life that I would've never been able to experience otherwise. It's just overwhelming sometimes... I know God would never give us anything that we cannot bear, but some days... I just wish it was easier. I want to give Noah everything. Every opportunity I had and never had. I don't want him to lack. I don't want him to fall behind. I just want him to be all that God's called him to be. I just pray that I am equipped with the tools to provide all that he needs.

Just one of those days... Hoping it gets easier...

February update!

This month hasn't been too bad so far but I wanted to keep you posted on my progress, which in turn will make me accountable. Let me start by saying that God is great! He has truly blessed my family if I take the time to look at the small things. Noah started full blown walking this month and it has been a joy to watch him flourish since he began daycare. I love the daycare he attends because of the staff and the Christian teachings they provide my son. You can never get started too early!

Noah has been making progress in all areas except his expressive language. I was concerned as an SLP and a mom and brought it up to the developmental psychologist we see every 6 months. She referred us to Early steps. The lady came by our house in early January and did a screener. Based on that info, he was in the gray area which wasn't concerning because he was premature. She said that based on his birth weight though that he would automatically qualify for services. We needed to do a full eval though. So we went at the end of January. In order to qualify for services, 2 areas need to be under 78 or one area under 70. Noah was a 73 in communication and all the others were in the 90s and 100s. Which agin didn't qualify him. But because of his birth weight, they will start providing Speech services at his daycare 1 time a week since they say his delay is mild. I was super happy! I didn't study birth to three years early intervention because that age group didn't interest me so even though I'm an SLP, I don't feel I have the tools to do therapy with Noah. Most importantly. I just want to be his mommy. I met the therapist last week and again she said that his delays were mild and based on his adjusted age he is right on track but we will work to close the gap between his adjusted age and chronological age. She will be working on identifying and naming objects and pictures. Sounds so easy right?! Not when it's your kid! But she's given me a few strategies like sign language and constant repetition that seems to be helping. This mom stuff is tougher than I thought! Lol. He will have his first session this Wednesday. From there, we will have a 6 month run and reevaluate to see if he continues to need services.

I must admit I struggled with this decision. How can I be an SLP and not be able to treat my child? What do I look like? What am I not doing?! It was hard but I know that I'm doing what I SHOULD be doing which is relinquishing control and letting someone with expertise in that area do hat they know best. I'm getting him services early so that he won't have to struggle with this when he starts Kindergarten. I'm doing exactly what any other mother that wants their kids to succeed would do. And for that, I'm satisfied. Of course, when I say "I" I mean "we" because I've got to make every decision with the big Benjamin :)!

Ok, now that I've aired out all of my laundry... Here's the update!

1. Read the Bible... Still working on it but becoming more and more consistent!

2. Tithe on every check! Yes! It's been working for the most part! If I'm out of town, I do it the next week, and if I mistakenly pay some bill before taking out the money, I owe Him plus extra. We currently owe him $250 but did tithe yesterday. It's been awesome. Getting back to what I know how to do best... Give of myself!

3. Get out of debt! Yes! We have finally paid off one of the Rooms to Go cards and plan on paying off the other, my hospital bill, 2 credit cards, get current on all bills, and put a down payment on our vacation with our income tax check. Carl brought up a good point about why are we going in vacation this year. We should be using that money to help us get out of debt. You know what that means?! He gets it!!! I made a budget sheet for every month, showed him how in debt we are, made a spreadsheet of all the bills we need to pay by order of smallest to largest, and I think it spoke to him! But.. We need a vaca! I'm sorry. I'm gonna cheat on that one. I want a week in the Caribbean away from everyone to spend some quality time with my husband. But I'm SO proud of what he said.

4. Watch my mouth! Yes I'm working on it. I'm human and will fail, but getting better. Doing the 30 day husband encouragement challenge and hope to do all 30 days. Relearning my hubby's love language to be a better wife. Not because we have a bad marriage, just because it can always be better!

5. Take one day for me a month to either do a little shopping, or get a mani/pedi, or eyebrows. I haven't done it yet this month but did do it last month for my bday. Maybe once things are in order? Oh pedicure how I miss thee!

6. Read 3 books by the end of this year. Doesn't have to be educational or anything, but I need to do something more than just going to work and spending time on the computer. Haven't done it at all.

7. Try (at least) 1 new, healthy recipe each month. Don't know what I are last month but will do it this month and post about it!

8. Make better eating choices on a regular basis. Don't indulge in anything. Eat more green, filling foods, and less of the unnecessary crap that keeps the pounds on! January was filled with festivities. February not so bad. March, I'm coming for you!

9. Lose weight (for real this time...LOL) I don't want to enter the next decade of my life wishing I had shred a certain amount of pounds...just do it! I have some important events coming up (sis bday in June in NY, BFF wedding in August, cruise with the Hubs in September which includes a special surprise, and 30th birthday fun in Vegas!) so far I haven't gained. Have been buying more and more fruits and veggies and incorporating them in my everyday meals.

10. Be more involved in church activities and ministries. I really suck at this one. I want to get to know those at my church because I don't know if i'm growing...but don't know if it's because I havent taken the step to get involved, or if this isn't the church i'm supposed to be at. Everytime I ask God, He always makes the pastor say something that makes me stay...mpa konnin..maybe I need to stop asking God and realize He already answered my prayers. So let's get involved!!! They have these life groups but i can't make the times they are at. I'm going to find something though! I even signed up for cleaning but they do it on Monday mornings. I'm at work! Ugh!

So that's my update!

See you next month!

March for Babies is back!!!

As you all know, Noah was born 12 weeks early. Although this was a big scare, God and the individuals in the NICU got us through this. The doctors and nurses in the NICU became like a family. We were happy to be taking Noah home after being there for 56 days, but we truly connected with some wonderful people while there.

They have the toughest job on this Earth. Working on tiny bodies, and praying that they stay alive, as well as having to deal with franctic parents and family members wondering if their babies are going to be ok. These people need to not only have amazing techniques, but also have impeccable bedside manner. Well, you already know SOME of them we dealt with didn't have that! LOL.

Ok, so why am I talking about all of this? Because when I left the hospital, I wanted to know what I could do to help...maybe a friend that is going through a similar situation, or help prevent another mom from going through having a baby early. It so happened that within the end of the year 2011, I had at least 3 people contact me about having babies early, and what they could do to keep themselves sane. God really worked all of that out!

The Florida Hospital had a pamphlet about the March for Babies in the break room, and we immediately knew we wanted to be part of it. We created our own team, and had our first walk last year! Well...we are back at it again! Walking for Prince Noah Team will be taking part in the March for Babies on April 27th at 7:30 am. at Lake Eola.

This year, we will be doing it big! Tshirts, snacks and drinks before the walk, etc. If you would like to participate or donate, please visit Our Team page!

Thanks in advance,

Happy New Year!!!

It's been such a long time that I have written, and it's probably because so much has been going on. I mean, who can keep up with working a full time job, a part time gig, trying to stay healthy, husband, and a toddler? Yes...maybe you, but definitely not me. Something has GOT to give. So 2013 is already here, and i've honestly been looking forward to it. I love odd numbers. Great things happen in odd numbered years! (not that they don't happen in even numbered years, i'm just trying to justify my point! LOL).

So many things I want to do this year and I hope to be able to accomplish them all. What better way to remind myself by blogging about it! So...here we go!

1. Read the Bible...everyday (i'm already 3 days late on this one...)

2. Tithe on every check (I have been bad about this...we had a very rough financial year in 2012, but what was the hardest thing for me to do was to not tithe :(. I felt guilty everytime. I remember what life used to be like when I tithed no matter what financial bind I was in, and how God always showed up and showed out...I need to get back to that. This family WILL tithe on each check, because we are not robbers).

3. Get out of debt! Ugh! I hate all the debt we have! Credit cards, hospital bills, student loans...so ready to get all of these out of the way! We are going to make some serious headway this year! Money and debt will not be my master. I also want to learn more about saving and investing (When I say "I", I really mean "we")

4. Watch my mouth: Not say something I wouldn't want to have someone say to me. Take a few seconds to think about what I WANT to say before I blurt it out. Oh...and bite my tongue sometimes. If something makes me really angry, just walk away...write it out, and revisit the issue later.

5. Take one day for me a month to either do a little shopping, or get a mani/pedi, or eyebrows done.

6. Read 3 books by the end of this year. Doesn't have to be educational or anything, but I need to do something more than just going to work and spending time on the computer.

7. Try (at least) 1 new, healthy recipe each month.

8. Make better eating choices on a regular basis. Don't indulge in anything. Eat more green, filling foods, and less of the unnecessary crap that keeps the pounds on!

9. Lose weight (for real this time...LOL) I don't want to enter the next decade of my life wishing I had shred a certain amount of pounds...just do it! I have some important events coming up (sis bday in June in NY, BFF wedding in August, cruise with the Hubs in September which includes a special surprise, and 30th birthday fun in Vegas!)

10. Be more involved in church activities and ministries. I really suck at this one. I want to get to know those at my church because I don't know if i'm growing...but don't know if it's because I havent taken the step to get involved, or if this isn't the church i'm supposed to be at. Everytime I ask God, He always makes the pastor say something that makes me stay...mpa konnin..maybe I need to stop asking God and realize He already answered my prayers. So let's get involved!!!

Sound good? Yes! Can I do it? Maybe...lol. Ok I was just kidding...of course I can! I'll be checking up on this one every month in order to keep tabs on which ones I've done thus far.

On another note...Noah starts daycare on Monday...hmmm...it will be good for him. Social development, and hopefully will increase his expressive language skills! I'll make sure to post about his first day on Monday night!

Until next time,

JB