Questioning my abilities...

When I got pregnant, I signed up in every website to get as much information as I could about what I should expect throughout the pregnancy, but after a few weeks of that and being constantly sick, it became very overwhelming. I logged off all the websites, deleted the apps on my phone, and put all the books away.

Then... I had Noah and a girl that had a preemie sent me a book that really helped me with the lingo and what to expect. But it seems that I've just been turned off to any information from that point.

Somedays, I feel my parenting skills are too lax for the simple fact that I don't get on Noah about everything. I know he had a rough start on life, and some days I use this as my reasoning, and other days, I try to overcompensate in the areas he is delayed in...

Probably wondering where these feelings are coming from? I just saw a video a friend of mine posted of her kid, who just recently turned 1 and is able to identify all body parts 😔. It just seemed so easy for him, and here I am struggling to get Noah to choose a car in a field of two?! I felt like a failure. I'm so busy with so many other things... I'm tired... Maybe i don't spend enough time on teaching him things?!

I know he had a mild hearing loss and just got tubes put in last week and all of that probably are all reasons as to why he is delayed in expressive language, but some days, the feeling of failure is what I feel. We didn't have a good day today. He cried a lot, threw a lot of tantrums, and I didn't know what to do. Then when I put him to bed, I go on FB and see this?! It really just made my day worse. What am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard?! I'm writing this with eyes filled with tears because I don't have the answer to these questions. I wish it were easier. Why do I have to go through this? Why was my baby born early? What did I do wrong? How many tests do I have to go through? What did I do wrong, Lord?!....

I'm not trying to sound selfish or ungrateful. I have a child that is healthy for the most part and is a handsome and loving child. He meets his milestones on his own time, but this far he's met most of them. He brings great joy to my life that I would've never been able to experience otherwise. It's just overwhelming sometimes... I know God would never give us anything that we cannot bear, but some days... I just wish it was easier. I want to give Noah everything. Every opportunity I had and never had. I don't want him to lack. I don't want him to fall behind. I just want him to be all that God's called him to be. I just pray that I am equipped with the tools to provide all that he needs.

Just one of those days... Hoping it gets easier...