Birth Stories...

Haven't blogged in a while, but this has been on my heart for sometime, so I guess it's time to let it out.

It's crazy how we make plans and sometimes, God laughs. People attempt to get pregnant, thinking it will happen right away, and it doesn't. Then when they get pregnant, they think it will be a full term delivery, or a vaginal birth, and then something changes. Change is constant and that's the only thing we can accept.

Never in my right mind would I have thought that I would've delivered a baby any earlier than 37 weeks. I know my pregnancy wasn't the easiest, but I surely didn't think it would end so soon. In retrospect, I felt a little robbed of fully enjoying my last trimester. But because I had no control over what happened to me, my birth story for Noah is MY birth story.

I've had a few friends that have gotten pregnant over the years, and although they mean no harm, some of their comments may have stung a little. Like a friend of mine who was talking to me about her last trimester and then said "...well...you know how it is..." and I had to be honest and say "No...no I don't". Or things like "I'm sure you experienced that..." and my reply was "No, I only went to 28 weeks, I don't know what Braxton Hicks contractions feel like...". *sigh*. It's not their fault. They see my son, and he looks like any other two year old (...maybe a little on the short side, but what did you expect?!). He's walking, he's talking, he's healthy, and so very happy. But before he was able to be all of these things, he was the little 2lb 3oz baby that was cut from me on a day that was supposed to be just like any other check up.

After listening to such wonderful birth stories, I can't help but be happy for my friends. My story is just...different. I didn't fall in love with my son right away. I just...didn't! All of my emotions shut down as soon as I knew I had to have an emergency C-section. I went numb without even knowing it. When I saw him for the first time, I saw the resemblance he had to his father, and knew he was mine. But still then, with all of the wires, all of the tubes, I didn't get to hold him like all happy parents get to do right away after their baby is delivered. I went home from the hospital with the feeling of having a whole in my heart. Not being able to feel anything. People say that there is a pain that comes with having a C-section, and I honestly never felt it. I didn't feel anything. I only did what I knew I had control over...praying, and doing whatever it is the doctors asked of me. Give me a direction, and I will run with it. I don't think it was until he gave me his first smile, on the anniversary of my aunt's death (October 30th) that I finally saw him...like REALLY saw my baby. Most of you won't understand. But it just took me longer to FULLY feel that Mommy love for her baby.

I didn't know how to be a mom, and I definitely wasn't prepared to be thrown into this whirlwind. I'm thankful for my family because they never pushed me to feel more than I was.

It took a while for me to fall in love with Noah, and that's the truth. A friend of mine said the other day how she is so happy to be a mom. She just had her baby. Was I happy to be a mom when Noah was born? Sure! Did I feel like I was? No. I felt more like a robot.

I'm sure people never think of how what they say may impact others, and the fact of the matter is that people don't always need to. I mean, we have to let go sometime, right? Pitty parties aren't fun, and they definitely aren't productive. I'm out of that stage for sure. Yesterday, as I was falling asleep, I asked myself, if I hadn't been married...where would I be now? And  all I could think of is that I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. I wouldn't have this amazing kid who runs around the house and tells me "Come on! Come on Mommy!". I wouldn't be in a marriage with my best friend...my world would just be different. I'm grateful for the place i'm in now.

No one's birth story will be the same. No one's pregnancy will be the same, but once you go through an experience like I and many other women have gone through, it makes you more humble, and more aware of other's feelings. The best part about my birth story is that my son is here. No matter what we went through, I get to wake up to his loud "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!" cry every morning. I'm grateful for that. In all obstacles, you will find your strength. Whatever obstacle you've been through, just know that God had his reasons. It wasn't anything you did or anything you didn't do. Your story is just...different from the others! It will give you strength, and hopefully be able to minister to other women in the same predicament.

I pray that my next pregnancy isn't anything like my first. I know sometimes you have to be specific, so here goes mine!

- I want a girl (but i'll take what you give me)
- I want to go full term! (37 weeks or more)
- I want a healthy baby
- I don't want to be spitting in a bottle at all!
- I don't want swollen feet
- I want to enjoy my pregnancy
- I want a full term pregnancy
- I want a full term pregnancy
- I'll go 42 weeks if I have to
- I want a vaginal birth
- I want delayed cord clamping
- I want my baby to cry when they come out
- I want to hold my baby right away
- I want to feel contractions
- I want to leave the hospital with my baby
- I want to fall in love with them...right away this time
- I don't want to fear my second pregnancy
- I want to be happy throughout my pregnancy
- I want minimal back pain

This is not in any specific order, but it's truly what I want. I just want a happy, healthy, FULL, natural, fearless, doubtless, leaving hospital with my new baby kind of next pregnancy ;-).