Bittersweet day...

Today is October 9th...Noah's expected due date! I have been dreading this day since October started, because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when it came along! A few days ago, I went to the dr's for Noah's synagis shot. She kept asking me all of these questions like: "did he have any bleeding in the brain? any issue with his lungs? did he have problems with his heart? any surgeries? any eye problems?" and the only answer I had for her was "NO". She looks at me and says "wow, you are really lucky!". I'm not lucky, I'm blessed. God made a promise to me and my family, and He stuck to it. He told me that Noah would be fine, and he is. Why is it that people assume that "lucky" is a word that they can throw around so easily? Then she reminds me that...he was born 12 weeks early. Yes, I know that. I had him, remember?!

But when I left the office, my spirits were down. Even when I got home, Carl asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged it off. I really didn't KNOW what was wrong, but also knew that I wasn't being my regular self. It wasn't until I jumped on "The Bump" website and scrolled over to the "Preemie" message board, that I saw someone writing about having "due date blues". That's exactly how I was feeling. All the guilt of not being able to carry Noah full term came back. I cried hysterically in my bed while Noah was sound asleep in his bassinet. Why is it that I couldn't have had a full, healthy pregnancy? Why is it that mine had to be cut short, and make Noah spend 56 days in the hospital when he could have still been in my belly? What was wrong with me?

I sent a text message to Carl, my sister, and Laura to let them know how i was feeling. I just needed to get it out. Of course, they reminded me that this was just the devil whispering in my ear, and that I needed to be greatful and happy that Noah is here, healthy, and thriving. Of course I was greatful...i mean who wouldn't be? I had a son that was born 12 weeks early and came out of the hospital with no complications! It was never about not being greatful, it was just about me having a moment that had to do with ME and not Noah. It happens, I'm human too!

I wiped my tears, grabbed Noah, and kissed him. If he only knew how much joy he brings to my life. Even if he cries like crazy when he is hungry, is impatient, and doesn't like to be changed, I love him to pieces. He's my everything!

So today...even if it's his "expected due date", God had other plans for Noah. He didn't come early, he came right on time...God's time. He couldn't be more perfect, and we couldn't be any happier. I turn any negative feelings upside down, and remind myself to be greatful to have such an amazing kid. October 9th doesn't mean anything to me anymore. It's just a date on a calendar. The important one...is July 18th :-)

I love you Noah.

Day 81- October 7, 2011

...and we're back! I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted, but so much has gone on that I had no choice but to take a break from posting! Well...after 56 days in the NICU, our little man finally came home! It was a very emotional day because, even though we were happy to be leaving the hospital, we had made so many bonds with wonderful people who have taken care of our son as if he were their own! I tried my best to remember all of the nurses' names and give them all a card, and a little something that we had left over from Noah's baby shower. I hoped they appreciated the gesture.

Once we got home, Noah definitely gave us a run for our money, and let us see what we were "missing out on" while he was in the hospital. He woke up every 3hrs like clock work for feedings, and the rest of the time I promise  I just watched him sleep and hoped he was breathing ok! Needless to say, the sleepless nights started as soon as we got home! Carl and I turned and asked each other questions everytime we heard him make a sound because we weren't sure if he was supposed to be making it or not. Carl stayed up with me for every feeding and diaper change (which i knew would go out the window in the next couple of weeks). Overall, I think our adjustment to having the 3rd person in our family home went as smoothly as expected.

Over the next few weeks, we got into a routine, with Carl doing night time shifts while I slept, and me picking back up between the 3-6am shift. We've adjusted our lives to meet the needs of Mr.Noah and have gotten familiar with his personality! He's an awesome kid! He only cries when he is either hungry or has a gas. We have yet to hear the "i'm dirty" cry because Noah doesn't feel the need to let us know that he is sitting in pee or poop. Actually, everytime we go to change him, he fusses. I'm assuming it's because the wipes are cold, and he doesn't like them all that much. Plus...he had gotten circumcised a few days before he left the hospital, and we were left to take care of it as it healed...which i'm sure hurt a little bit. Otherwise, life is great! I love being a mom! I hate waking up every 3-4 hours, but seeing this kid's big 'ol eyes looking up at me while I feed him, reminds me that I'm doing this for all the right reasons.

Carl and I know that Noah is definitely our best work yet. Carl keeps talking to Noah about his "baby sister"....but I don't know who that is! LOL. It is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to early to be talking about more kids. Can we wait until Noah turns 1 to even start talking about it? I want to enjoy my son, and provide him with the undivided attention that he so well deserves. I am so excited to see where God will take my family in the next year, and how much Noah will grow and hit every milestone that he is supposed to during that time.

I have to admit that our family is truly blessed. God has been awesome to us, even when we didn't deserve it. This goes to show you that God is a great God, and will never leave nor forsake you. He also will make sure to keep all of His promises that He makes to you. How can you not love Him? How can you not honor Him?! He is SO worthy to be praised. Lord, I thank you for my family and all of the blessings you have showered upon us. Thank you for making Noah be home, happy and thriving! Thank you that you made him in your image, with nothing missing, and nothing broken. Thank you for trusting Carl and I to raise Noah in your ways. We ask that you continue to show us the right way to become better parents, and also ask that you cover us with your blood. We pray for spiritual, emotional, and financial stability, and the ability to please you in everything that we do. We love and honor you Lord, and just want to thank you for your goodness. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.