Bittersweet day...

Today is October 9th...Noah's expected due date! I have been dreading this day since October started, because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when it came along! A few days ago, I went to the dr's for Noah's synagis shot. She kept asking me all of these questions like: "did he have any bleeding in the brain? any issue with his lungs? did he have problems with his heart? any surgeries? any eye problems?" and the only answer I had for her was "NO". She looks at me and says "wow, you are really lucky!". I'm not lucky, I'm blessed. God made a promise to me and my family, and He stuck to it. He told me that Noah would be fine, and he is. Why is it that people assume that "lucky" is a word that they can throw around so easily? Then she reminds me that...he was born 12 weeks early. Yes, I know that. I had him, remember?!

But when I left the office, my spirits were down. Even when I got home, Carl asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged it off. I really didn't KNOW what was wrong, but also knew that I wasn't being my regular self. It wasn't until I jumped on "The Bump" website and scrolled over to the "Preemie" message board, that I saw someone writing about having "due date blues". That's exactly how I was feeling. All the guilt of not being able to carry Noah full term came back. I cried hysterically in my bed while Noah was sound asleep in his bassinet. Why is it that I couldn't have had a full, healthy pregnancy? Why is it that mine had to be cut short, and make Noah spend 56 days in the hospital when he could have still been in my belly? What was wrong with me?

I sent a text message to Carl, my sister, and Laura to let them know how i was feeling. I just needed to get it out. Of course, they reminded me that this was just the devil whispering in my ear, and that I needed to be greatful and happy that Noah is here, healthy, and thriving. Of course I was greatful...i mean who wouldn't be? I had a son that was born 12 weeks early and came out of the hospital with no complications! It was never about not being greatful, it was just about me having a moment that had to do with ME and not Noah. It happens, I'm human too!

I wiped my tears, grabbed Noah, and kissed him. If he only knew how much joy he brings to my life. Even if he cries like crazy when he is hungry, is impatient, and doesn't like to be changed, I love him to pieces. He's my everything!

So today...even if it's his "expected due date", God had other plans for Noah. He didn't come early, he came right on time...God's time. He couldn't be more perfect, and we couldn't be any happier. I turn any negative feelings upside down, and remind myself to be greatful to have such an amazing kid. October 9th doesn't mean anything to me anymore. It's just a date on a calendar. The important one...is July 18th :-)

I love you Noah.