Day 9- July 27, 2011 (I'm going home... bittersweet)

Noah's Stats:
Oxygen Level: Mid 20s
Oxygen Machine: CPAP
Weight:

The day has finally come...I'm going home. I really don't know how to feel about this because it's not like I get to go home and I don't have to come back to this hospital...I actually have to drive a pretty good distance to get over here, and that's a big difference from walking down the hall to see him. My blood pressure this morning was 130/94. It's not where the doctors wanted it to be, but it has been pretty consistent and they felt comfortable sending me home with plenty of medication. Carl went to work that day, so my parents came to pick me up. I didn't know I had to much stuff to to take home from the hospital! It felt like I had moved in with all the bags I was packing up! The ONE thing I was happy about is that I wouldn't have to eat this nasty behind food that the hospital kept giving me! Yuck! But it was really hard to know that I would be leaving Noah behind :'-(.

I stopped by to go and visit him. I wish he were back on the nasal canula as opposed to the CPAP because this thing just covers all of his super handsome little face. I spoke life over him over and over and over. He was getting a blood transfusion that day because his breathing was off and they say that most of the time, this will help stabilize them. It was only 20ml, but it would take about 4 hours for the transfusion to be done. My parents got to the hospital, and it was time to go. I dont know how many times I delayed us leaving by going to the NICU to get little containers, and waiting for the nurse to provide me with information on how much Noah weighed since birth, etc. I finally went back to the room, got all my prescriptions, and called for transportation. Once they came, we got everything loaded up on the wheelchair and made our way downstairs. I tried my best to hold it in. I know I was with my parents, and really didn't want them to see me cry and then start to cry. The hallway to get downstairs was really long, so i just kocked my head to the side and let the tears flow slowly. Why am I leaving without him? I know he needs all the care that this wonderful team of nurses and doctors can give to him that I can't, but why can't I just stay until he's ready to go home? I felt like I had a hole in my heart. Would he know that I wasn't there? Would he feel like he was abandoned? Am I not being a good mother? All of these thoughts ran through my mind as we made it downstairs. I wanted to run back upstairs and let Noah know how much I love him, that I was sorry if I did anything that made him come early, that I would live my life making sure that his would be the best it could be. I was sorry....so sorry for leaving him, and never wanted for him to feel like he was abandoned by me, because he wasn't. If i could, I would have taken him with me, but i'm not an expert and can't make him get bigger and stronger without all of the methods and procedures that they can at the hospital. This was the feeling I dreaded...it had now become a reality.

I got in the car, and my dad began to pray for Noah before we left the parking lot. I couldn't hold it any longer and cried my heart out. They tried to console me, and I finally came to terms with it. When I got home, it felt like something was missing in the house. No one was kicking in my belly anymore, I wasn't walking around with my sunflower seeds, or throwing up...but I missed all of that. Instead, it was just Carl and I. I teared up a little, but knew it wasn't going to do me any good right about now. Carl really helped with the transition. I have a great husband. That night, i took my medication, called the NICU to see how Noah was doing, prayed with Carl, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be a better day.